"Attacked" last night! (funny story, not real.)

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

So I wake up in the middle of the night, with something heavy lying on my chest.  First I think it's the dog, nope, I feel him by my feet moving.  Then I think it's the cat, nope he is lying on my head.  Then I think the cow....  ok no cow, my bed is enough of a zoo already...  So I'm thinking to myself what the hell is on my chest, it's fairly heavy pressing down.  So I go to feel on my chest with my hands, OMG, I can't feel my arms, it took my arms!!  Then after I actually wake up, I realise that somehow I fell asleep on both my arms, then turned over, they are both totally asleep, not like tingly asleep, like dead meat asleep lol.  Normally when something falls asleep you rub it, how do you rub something when it's both your arms?  It's simple actually, you yell loud enough to wake the wife so she can rub them   

I know this isn't a real ghost story, but I thought you may find it amusing.  There was a few seconds when I thought it was a ghost or something, before I figured it out.   

[Todd]

hahahahahaha nice micheal that was funny

Brownie points 

peace bro l8er

-Todd

[ttjoon]

That was funny, Michael.

[PPI Karl]

LOL!  Good one.

I think every one of us has a moment like that.  Mine was a morning in Warsaw, in 1985--that fateful morning when I had to assist the dead. 

I awake at around 10:00 a.m. after a night of carousing, vodka, and unfiltered cigarettes at my friend's dorm party.  (It's a rule in Poland:  an open bottle of vodka cannot be capped again.)  And, there, in the clear light of morning and the smell of my own smoky hair, I detect something across my forehead.  Two cold arms.   I'm panicked.  You know the type of panic I mean:   immobile, dead panic.  It takes nearly ten minutes just to find my nerve, and five more minutes until one of those arms slowly rises up on its own and spreads its fingers, blood pumping through its necrotic veins.   (I know, I know:  you can see this ending coming like a slow train.)

As it reaches up languorously and seizes the lump in my throat, I gasp; fear tingles its way up my spine like a thick and heavy sap of terror (sappy terror?  ) working its way to the apical meristem.  I'm sure it's my elderly landlady who has been letting me the room.  That's it, yes:  she's stumbled into my room and collapsed from a heart attack.  I run phrases in Polish through my head--things I'm going to have to say later when I call for an ambulance.  Then, a worse thought occurs:  maybe she's crept into my bed and is now making sexual advances toward me.  Okay.  That's not worse than someone suffering a heart attack, and I can handle that with diplomacy at least.  (It's creepier, though, and good looks are not going to get me out of this one.)

Slowly I push back her arms and try to hoist myself up on the bed to confirm what has happened, only to find that I flop back down.  Her arms seemed to have pinned me down, and this time they actually smack me across my face.  The cartilage in my nose bears the brunt of the shock.  So, she likes it a little rough, huh?

Enough's enough, though.  I twist myself over onto my stomach.  But I can feel no arms!  Has she tied me to the bed somehow?  Am I in the movie Hostel?  (Sound the Anachronism Alarm.)  Will I look to my left and find both my severed arms being fed into a sausage grinder?  No, I'm twisting under the dead weight of my own arms too asleep to feel, and too unfeeling to move.  And that's the stupid truth of it.

And the lesson?  "If you want a future, darlin', / Why don't you get a past? / 'Cause that fateful moment's comin' at last..."--Cole Porter, "Let's Misbehave"

(You thought this was going to end with the title of an Ernest Hemingway novel, didn't you.  )

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

Lol Karl, at least I'm not alone.  Welcome my friend to the Brotherhood of the dead arms....

[Todd]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

-Todd

[dwalters]

I get so scared when my arms fall asleep...I'm afraid that I'll break my arm or fingers as I'm trying to rescue it with the other arm. I don't know what the heck I'd do if both were alseep...I'd yell and wake Ellie up, she'd save me too

great story!

[ttjoon]

She'd save you if HER arms weren't asleep.....then, well....do you have a cat?  a dog?  hampster?  I can see it now: a hampster with a red cape complete with an "SH" (super hampster) on the back.  "Here i come to save the daaaaay"!

[Todd]

lolol

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

I get so scared when my arms fall asleep...I'm afraid that I'll break my arm or fingers as I'm trying to rescue it with the other arm. I don't know what the heck I'd do if both were alseep...I'd yell and wake Ellie up, she'd save me too

great story!

Sorry Dave, but your application to join the Brotherhood of the dead arms is denied...      Please try again when you have lost all feeling in both arms 

[Todd]

haha ouch
oh the the app for dead leg count mike?
lol i had that this morning and i went to stand and i fell over
DOH hahaha
-Todd

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

Only if BOTH your legs fall asleep, and they end up on your chest and possibly across your throat...... 

[Donna]

Karl, you had hair? :o

[ttjoon]

Hey....bald is beautiful!   

[Todd]

if i say that happend can i be in the brotherhood LMAO
-Todd

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

Well you can SAY your legs fell alseep and ended up across your chest / throat, but that will more likely end up getting you hired in a Tijuana... errr nevermind.  To be a true member of the brotherhood of the dead arms you need to be able the do the salute / handshake.  This involves flopping your arms around lifelessly, possible assaulting other members.  It is a feat impossible to fake for those who have not had the true experiance....  beware false brothers!

[Todd]

lol ok ill put my arm to sleep and try and shake your hand and salute lol

[ellie]

Have any of you tried to bite your dead limbs, just to see how hard you can bite without drawing blood? I have. I have a pretty cool battle scar from that.

[Todd]

lol y would u so that?!?!?!?!?!hahahaa
elli ur awesome

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

Have any of you tried to bite your dead limbs, just to see how hard you can bite without drawing blood? I have. I have a pretty cool battle scar from that.

Lol your scaring me.

[ellie]

I don't really have any scars, but I have tried it.

[Todd]

haha :-P

[MichaelF (FPIE)]

I don't really have any scars, but I have tried it.

For some reason the lack of scars doesn't supress my fear.....   

[Todd]

hahahhahaha